I’m on the phone with my mom, I’m exhausted, and it’s getting late. (For me, at least. She is unstoppable, but I try to be a good influence on her, so…)
Me: Ok go to bed
Mom: You go to bed, I’m gonna cuddle up with my gentleman.
Me: WHAT?
Mom: The gentleman from Moscow.
Me: WHAT?!
Mom: The book I’m reading.
Me: Mom you gave me a heart attack.
Mom: Well, now you’re awake.
Me: Great thanks. I worked 15 hours yesterday and barely slept last night.
Mom: Why did you do that?
Me: Wasn’t on purpose. I had a lot of work and then there was a bug situation.
Mom: You saw a bug? You’re 42. You need your mommy to come get it for you?
Me: Ideally yes, but you have to stay in your house. And the issue was less that there was a bug, and more that when I checked to make sure it was still in the same spot on the living room celling before I went to bed, it was gone. So really there was a missing-bug issue.
Mom: Uh huh. (She is not impressed with me as a human in this moment so I try and clarify.)
Me: Really it was because I couldn’t tell what kind of bug it was because it was up too high. And spiders are scary but what if it was like, a cockroach or something.
Mom: Is that more scary?
Me: Terrifying.
Mom: Why?
Me: Exoskeleton situations, and occasional ability to fly. Also, spiders are more of a one-off issue. I feel like cockroaches have strong family units.
Mom: So, you didn’t sleep because of a bug with a potential strong family unit.
Me: Exactly. But it’s a spider. I named her Eloise, and she is back in her corner, so I am hoping to sleep.
Mom: Why don’t you just whack it?
Me: I can’t reach it.
Mom: Use a broom
Me: I have a 19-foot ceiling on that side. And a 5-foot broom.
Mom: Stand on a chair.
Me: Still not high enough.
Mom: Then pull the table over, put a chair on the table and stand on the chair.
Me: Wow. This is why you are not allowed to be left alone for long. Still too far up.
Mom: Throw something at it.
Me: Like what?
Mom: A wet rag or something.
I now, like a good daughter, wet a rag, tie it in a knot and start hurling it at my celling. And keep missing. (The spider and the celling.)
Me: Damn, it missed the celling, but almost took out the bar cart on the way down.
Mom: Don’t do that. You’re gonna need that. You should just drink so you can sleep and forget about the little spider.
Me: How are you the mother?
Mom: Because I had you.
Me: Yeah, I know, it was rhetorical.
Mom: Because I can kill spiders and you can’t.
Me: Fair.
SARCASM WILL SAVE YOU 