Who’s In Charge of the Yoplait Now?

When I was little, all I wanted in my sad paper lunch bag (that I was forced to reuse till the spoon fell out) was a sandwich that wasn’t totally disgusting, and a Yoplait yogurt. We lived in a nice area, but we were house poor, so anything name brand was not an option. My dad had a strict rule that all grocery items had to be whatever brand was the cheapest per ounce. So, once I finally won the battle to get a yogurt, it was gonna be a Vons brand one. But while it was cheaper per ounce, it was larger than the damn Yoplait, so why not split the difference? Anyway, it was a battle I never won as long as I lived in that (very nice, but apparently out of their price range) house.

I now have my own place, and make my own money, and buy whatever food I want (within reason), and while I try to be healthy, and lean more to the occasional Greek yogurt, sometimes a mischievous feeling takes over me in the yogurt aisle, and I get myself a full-fat Yoplait in celebration of the fact that… I can. Yes, this is a fairly ridiculous tiny rebellion I launch on an ad hoc basis, at a man who died over a decade ago, but also, peach full-fat Yoplait is still fairly delicious.

So, now that we are all under shelter-in-place, and the other half of the sad lunch bag equation (my beloved 79-year-old mother) is dependent on me to do all her grocery shopping… mwhahahaha how the tables have turned!!!

My father is no longer there to supervise her, and basically, I get the impression she has lived like a 7-year-old with a credit card since the day he died. Who knew the man (who could always somehow afford bourbon and Benson & Hedges cigarettes) was the stability factor in all this? Mom texts me weekly grocery lists that DO NOT INCLUDE A SINGLE VEGETABLE, but do have separate line items for bread, tortillas, English muffins, and something referred to as “Breakfast Croissants.” I buy her organic wheat bread (Dave’s Killer Bread because I like their mission), broccoli, spinach, avocados, salmon, Brussels sprouts, almond milk, plus tomato, basil, and mozzarella (because caprese is at least fairly healthy when compared to “Breakfast Croissants”).

She has updated requests. She would like real milk. Ok, I get that. Real milk it is.

The following week she has a new request. She would like one gallon. Sure, why not? It’s hard to look like a baby cow if a single individual is not consuming ONE GALLON OF MILK PER WEEK!? How is she doing this? But I am not one to starve a poor old lady of her copious milk drinking habits. Plus, I have come to realize that she does not, under any circumstances, drink water. Unless there is coffee in it. So ok. One weekly gallon of (organic) milk.

I also buy her organic bananas. She says “You don’t have to buy organic bananas, because they have skins.” But I want the process to be organic for the land and the people working with them, and as long as I can afford to pay more, I buy all organic. “Ok,” she says. “I’m not footing the bill” and she’s not, so we move on.

Until. Months have now gone by and despite my weekly deliveries, she has yet to receive her “Breakfast Croissants.”

Me: Mom, that’s just dessert.

Mom: No, they are for breakfast. It says so on the package.

Me: Mom, I work in advertising.

Mom: It says to take them out of the freezer the night before so that you can enjoy them in the morning. (As if it was the process I was not comprehending)

Me: They are in the frozen dessert section and you eat them for breakfast? (How she is not diabetic is beyond reason)

Mom: They are just inside the Trader Joe’s on the right. Just inside the door.

Me: Mom I can’t even get into a Trader Joe’s, the lines are over an hour long and wrap around the block.

Mom: Oh, well, when you can.

It is incredible that this woman has survived this long and is as active as she is, and I am so thankful for our daily Jessercise classes (exercise classes taught by my friend Jess that I make Mom take and she is probably better at than I am). But I feel a little sad for her, like I am depriving her of all the “good” things she would normally be eating by cluttering up her fridge with organic fresh fruit and veggies (which she doesn’t always eat).

So today, after spending a few hours with her, I run to the store for the weekly groceries and I see on her list “yogurt.” And I know she likes Greek yogurt too. But I get her full-fat peach Yoplait.