Virch, or, All I Can See Is My Big Ugly Head

Saturday, March 21. I used the last avocado today and the milk has run out. It occurs to me when I run out of chocolate, I may finally lose my muffin top.* It also occurs to me when I run out of chocolate, I may finally lose my will to live.

Tonight, my mom tells me she did a “practice Zoom video conference” with the minister so she can say the liturgy tomorrow. In the same sentence she tells me she “doesn’t like to use FaceTime on Zoom” because she doesn’t like to see herself. Mom. These are two different apps. That is like saying “I don’t like to microwave in my toaster oven.” All of this is lost on her. No. What she knows (and proclaimed quite loudly to a group of 12 that she thought could not hear her) is “ALL I CAN SEE IS MY BIG UGLY HEAD.”

I have since taught her how to mute. And to turn off her video (which she thinks is the FaceTime part). Hopefully tomorrow, the lessons will stick. And there will be mute, and then the liturgy, and then mute again. And God and his faithfulls will not be offended.

“Anyway, I don’t know how it will go,” she laments into the phone. “But I guess we have to do something. So, we’re doing virtual church.”

I have now dubbed it Virch. I can’t imagine it will go well. But I can’t imagine things will get worse. And if they do, please send chocolate.

*Muffin-top – The area around your midriff that begins to spill over the top of your once normal jeans, right about the time they become your skinny jeans. Muffin tops seem to be caused by age. Potentially compounded by chocolate, and too many muffins.