I just ate an entire family-size bag of Oreo cookies, because I am under the impression that Covid has given us a free pass to make poor life choices. I had been on a 42-year-long mission of reasonable healthiness until…
Yesterday I decided I was going on an adventure to Trader Joe’s. The initial pandemic-hoarding madness has abated in LA, so while toilet paper is still a hot commodity, and you have to move through the store single-file, I’d heard you can finally get in relatively quickly. And so, I set off excitedly on my mission.
It felt exotic to be driving around in the world again, music on, sunroof open, palm trees overhead. Almost as if everything was finally back to normal. However, as I turned the corner to my local Trader Joe’s, I found that the line was down the street and around the block, with every masked person standing on their little allocated “T” of tape, 6 feet apart. The sky instantly went dark. “No! Not again!” I hoarsely whispered with surprising angst at my steering wheel while trying to decide if jalapeño spinach dip was worth the two hours.
A moment ago I was smiling and singing in the breeze. Now I was suddenly weighing whether or not I was stable enough to watch a skinny vegan fight an old lady for the last of the organic blueberries. But as I circled the lot I realized I would never find out, as there was no parking. (Which, in retrospect, should have made the world seem normal, as there is NEVER enough parking at any Trader Joe’s – please note this, whoever it is that builds Trader Joe’s.)
I decided I only had so much patience and didn’t want to deal with all the potential gluten-free stress vibing within those colorful walls, so I shifted strategy, turned up the music, and headed to Ralphs. I had made a beautiful, clear list of all the things I needed, and I was not going to be brought down. I was on a mission. Hunt. Gather. Don’t die of Covid.
I parked easily at Ralphs, got a cart with a newly wiped down handle, and took off to accomplish some #adulting. Within 30 seconds I discovered… They were out of spinach. And eggs. And milk. Ok, I know you can’t “cry over spilled milk,” but can you begin to unravel slightly over no milk?
My level of frustrated despair was sudden and surprising. I can usually handle anything. I used to live in a country where milk was delivered only on Thursdays. How was this phasing me? I mean, I like to have a plan, but usually I am great at pivoting too. Often, I think it’s fun. I happily ask myself , “Ok, given this new piece of information, how can we make things the best they can possibly be?” But today I violently strangled my inner optimist right there in the dairy aisle, and decided that since the world was clearly ending, there were no rules anymore, and I proceeded to buy only alcohol and junk food. (If you’re following this blog, yes, my mom would have been thrilled with this grocery haul.)
This was a bold new me. A me that let me buy a shopping cart full of Entenmann’s, three kinds of sugary cereal I’d never tried before, Oreo cookies, and Baileys. I was taking action. If I was going out, I was going out on a huge sugar high and I didn’t give AF.
(Ok I also bought bananas and cat food, but that’s just because the cats didn’t deserve to have my despair heaped on them- they have been under shelter-in-place for their full lives and are handling it just fine. Also, I like bananas.)
I got home and defiantly ate three donuts in a row with almond milk, as my dinner. For dessert I had my first ever bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but instead of milk I used… Baileys.** I was fairly angry with God and I thought this was an exceptional way to get his attention. I went to bed sure I would die in the night.
This morning I woke up early, feeling better than I have in months.
I have no answers anymore.
*Ok I know it’s not as wild a title as “Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll,” but, realistically, how wild is your life during Covid?
**Cinnamon Toast Crunch with Baileys is f’ing delicious. I am not sure why we eat other things.
Thank you to Sharon McCutcheon for the great photo!
SARCASM WILL SAVE YOU 